Journal 5/31/12

I think I'm adjusting to the 'sayer already. I need to take it every night, for now, but I'm sure I'll be able to cut back. Later.

Journal 5/30/12

Slept well. Forgot how it was, was a little groggy, but I feel better. Need to convince Cia things will be ok. That I'm better. I feel the way I should feel.

Journal 5/29/12

Cia's already started using stronger stims. She's talked to the doctor about having a combat clone set up, too. Cia, in a combat clone. She wants to be able to help me, and she does. It's just... none of it is enough, not fast enough and it's getting to be too much real fast. She wants to help, and it's getting dangerous. She doesn't understand.

It's rough on her. She just started crying. She tried to act like she was okay, afterward, but I know she isn't.

I have to do something, there's really no choice. 'sayer isn't bad, as these things go. Just when I need it. I can control it. I did before. No nightmares, and I'll stop needing so much from Cia. I have to.

Journal 5/28/12

It happened again. It almost happened again. I had a nightmare, and Cia woke me up. She was too close, and there was a split second when I woke up when...

She looked so... She was upset. Not scared, not for herself, but upset for me. I don't think, even with what happened before, she really knows what could happen. Or doesn't think it will.

I'd like to think it won't. I know, I'd never intentionally do anything to hurt her, but...

I came to my senses and it didn't- Nothing happened. But it could have been bad. Maybe I'll talk to her, see about... Make sure she knows. It's taking its toll, though. Trying to help me.

Taking stims, for too long, it makes your judgement bad. Her judgement can't be bad, for this. She needs to think about herself when it comes to it. And take them too long, they stop working, and you need something stronger. Nightmares pass.

Maybe if she saw me doing better.

That would make it worth it, and make her feel like she doesn't need to do this, anymore. I wouldn't need her to, either. I have to do better.

Journal 5/24/12

I've started carrying one of them around, one of the vials. Having it with me helps me feel more grounded. Safer from ending up somewhere else. I don't even want to use it, and just having it is enough.

I don't need it.

Journal 5/23/12

After Cia crashed today, I went to look, to see what she's been taking. It wasn't hard to find - right there, top dresser drawer.

It isn't the bad stuff. It's the kinda thing doctors'll give to near anyone. It's the first step, though. Some point, it stops working, and people go for something harder. I'm not sure it's something Cia could keep a handle on. Not with worrying about me, too.

She doesn't know how you control something like that. How you keep it from taking over. That's how it should be. She shouldn't need to know.

Journal 5/22/12

Cia's been crashing real quick in the mornings, and she's looking a little frayed around the edges. She's not eating enough, either. Not that that's unusual, but it's worse than normal.

I'm pretty sure she's been taking something to stay awake.

I know she wants to help me, I know that's how it's supposed to work. How can it be helping me for her to end up worse off, though?

Journal 5/20/12

Cia sent Cami off to stay with Silver, for a while. Things being how they are. Better to be safer, I should have said something before now. It was easy, assuming Cia had considered it, but even with everything she saw, I guess she still doesn't think that way.

It'll be good for Cami. Probably good for Silver too.

Journal 5/19/12b

I talked to Hiri, and there isn't anything. No way to make it go faster. No quick fix. Not unless I wanted to use a TCMC, and I think I'd just off myself, first.

She asked if I'd started with legal avenues. I haven't, yet. I'd have to talk with Silver about it - he's the one that still has the connections at Ishukone - and I haven't yet.

Talked about a few other things that might be done.

We talked about other stuff too. She said that Cia maybe hadn't considered, with me how I am, and Camille around...

I figured Cia had talked to Cami, maybe, in private. I think she worries about upsetting me. I'll talk to her, though. After what happened, better to not take chances.

Journal 5/19/12

I was outside in the hangar, and they were just there and I grabbed them. I didn't even really think about it.

I should get rid of them, but they might be good to have. Just to have. Just- Just to know they are there, in case things get really bad. Not to use.

Journal 5/18/12b

I was having a nightmare. Cia stumbled, and accidentally grabbed me. I was still sleeping, I didn't know it was her, and I hit her, and almost strangled her.

I woke up in time. Just in time. Seeing that, seeing my hand around her throat - it can never happen again. I need to always make sure Cia isn't close enough. Need to make sure that I don't need her in the same room, anymore.

Maybe I can convince her to try the recordings, again. Maybe I can talk to Hiri more. I'm sure the stuff she has me do, I'm sure it will help. Maybe there is a way it can go faster though.

Journal 5/18/12

I nearly killed Cia. Spirits, it was close. There has to be another way.

Journal 5/17/12

Cia ran out, earlier. Didn't even say where she was going. Turns out that they showed up here, in Lustrevik. The Sanshas.

She was sick, threw up, when she came back. Reaction to the adrenaline, maybe. She said CONCORD was in on it too. Sounds like it's getting ugly out there.

Made her some coffee, and we sat and talked some. I think she's ok, now.

Journal 5/16/12b

Cia and Silver talked. I guess he knows - at least that there is something to know. Sneaky bastard. Smarter than he looks.

Still, I can't - I won't talk to him until I know things are better. Soon. I'm sure it'll be soon.

Journal 5/16/12

Cia's gone to have dinner with Silver. All these attacks, these Sansha incursions. I should be out there, with my crew, helping.

I can't though. I'd be worse than useless, the way I am right now.

Journal 5/14/12

Something went wrong with the recording. Or maybe it just stopped working, I don't know. It happened again. Cia's back to staying up to make sure I'm ok, and I don't know that there is a better way, and I don't know that I can lie and tell her there is a better way.

Journal 5/12/12

I think it's working, the recordings. No nightmares, and Cia is looking better, more rested. I feel like I might be able to get back to normal. Maybe the things Hiri suggested will work, will make it go away, or at least control it.

First time since I called Cia from that hangar, I feel like I might have a handle on this thing.

Journal 5/10/12

I told Cia that I wanted to try something else, so she didn't have to spend so much time seeing that I was alright.

I'll just play back recordings from my neocom - it'll be like she's there. It'll help, like she's been helping, keeping the nightmares away.

I told her it would work. I'm sure it will work.

I told her about the other thing, too. That if she needed to wake me up, it would be better if she doesn't get too close. I might flail and clip her. Or something.

It'll work.

Journal 5/9/12

Hiri came by. It was good to see her more herself. Like the life was back in her. She said she was in no shape yet to be anyone's doctor again. So, she said we could talk as friends.

She didn't talk much about what happened to her. I told her, if she needs to, I'll be here. We talked about what happened with me, though.

She knows about what happened. She said...

There's a reason why doctors who treat combat vets have panic buttons under their desks, Ami. A reason why their patients don't handle weapons.

She was worried I might, I don't know. Forget where I was, hurt someone. I explained it isn't like that. I mean, those Blooders, sure, but not other times. I'd never... Never hurt someone I shouldn't. I know who the people who are important to me are, even when things get bad.

Then she asked me to tell her about what happened, and I did. What happened, and how it didn't help the way it used to. How Cia came afterward and got me, and she's been helping.

We talked about why killing them didn't help, like it used to. I don't feel better, but I think we might have something. Like at least I know I might feel better sometime.

I might talk to Cia, about being careful. If I'm sleeping and flail around or something, I don't want her too close. Don't want to accidentally clip her.

Journal 5/8/12

Things might be better. I thought they were better before, though.

Cia looks tired. I want to tell her it's ok, that I don't need her help anymore. I don't want to be wrong, though. We'll just have to figure something out.

Journal 5/5/12

Cia's been doing so much. It - I guess it's the way, for people like her, people where she comes from, with family. Or maybe the way it's supposed to be. Taking care of family.

It seems crowded, and less private, even though there are only the three of us. Not in a bad way, though.

I helped with dinner.

Sleeping is ok.

Journal 5/3/12

Been helping with Cia's garden. Trying to put in more real plants.

Good to see Cia, here.



FROM: Captain Silver Night
AT: 08:00 1.5.112

As of 08:00 today, Col. Aerer will be acting XO while Commander Invelen is on leave. Maj. Tukaya will be acting head of S&L during Col Aerer's temporary assignment.

Silver Night
Utopian Ideal

Employee Record: Saernal Teirild

Name: Teirild, Saernal
Rank: Colonel
Position: Commander, Security, Utopian Ideal
Assigned Section: Command, Office located in compartment number 2554D
EID: OSF848513
DOB: 6.12.65
Corporation of Birth: N/A
Place of Birth: Unknown
Gender: Female
Ethnic Background: Sebiestor
Age: 46
Height: 154cm
Mass: 45kg
Eyes: Grey
Hair: Brown
Bloodtype: A+
Augmentations: Redacted
  • 85: Elkuld Military Academy
  • See Additional Notes
Additional Notes:
Much of Col Teirild's previous experience cannot be detailed for various reasons. A private review by Utopian Ideal senior staff found her experience and expertise more than sufficient. Though details aren't recorded, Col Teirild has a valuable multi-Empire background that will be invaluable in handling security issues in the multi-cultural environment of the Utopian Ideal and other ships that fall into her purview.

Journal 5/1/12

Went to visit Hiri today, see how she was doing. They haven't had enough time to adjust her medication or whatever it is they do, yet, I guess. She's still drugged up. Ashar brought her a present - a sort of mechanical incense burner. I'm sure Hiri will genuinely appreciate it when she is able.

When I was on my way out, I stopped to talk to Alpassi. Hiri must have come out after I left, there were a bunch of deck hands bothering her. Asking her to go with them, to their party, and of course all drugged up she would agree. Sick fucks. The guy doing most of the asking said something about it being 'just like the ones at resettlement.'

We broke it up - and Cia's new XO seems an alright sort, I'm sure he'll handle it - but it just pisses you off.

It'll be taken care of, though. They aren't my people, so they aren't mine to discipline.