Journal 10/22/11

I stopped by Cia's hangar, before I headed down to Debreth. I wanted to talk to Cami and Cia, as Hiri had suggested, and well. I wanted to see Cia, too, before I left. See how she was doing.

I saw Cami first, and told her it was ok to talk to Hiri about things. The things that happened in the tunnel. I made sure she understood that Sara and Cia and I wouldn't get in trouble over it. She seemed happy to agree. I wish things with Cia were so easy.

Cia said what I wanted her to say when I asked her of course: Yes, she is fighting against this... this thing that is k- that is making her sick. I pressed her though, and the truth is she's not. She thinks that she can get back in the river. By dying, probably. That fighting it would be the wrong thing to do.

I can't make her fight it at gunpoint, can I? I told her I would bring one of the priests, the parieurs, up from Debreth. This mess with Cia thinking she is some kind of damned soul is their fault, I'll make one of them fix it. They've never left the planet and I doubt any of them even really know how cloning works, but the feel alright fucking up Cia's life - her entire view of herself. We'll see.

Journal 10/19/11

Killjoy Tseng wanted to meet with me. I went and saw him in his office, which is way out in the middle of nowhere in the station's guts.

He was in demolitions in the service, I guess, and now he's the second to the Executor. Just goes to show you what those little implants can mean for helping people realize their potential, I guess.

We chatted a bit, but I think the real reason he wanted to talk to me was Cia. After getting a message from CJ, I'm starting to wonder if there is anyone who hasn't realized she's sick. He asked about Jorion, what we'd done with him. I think he accepted my answers - there are some things that are best left buried, and we got the tissue samples already. For the rest - what happened and what's happening - I told him that's mostly Cia's to share, or not.

Journal 10/16/11

Went to see Hiri. Talked about hounds and boosters - cheerful shit all around. Anyway, she showed me some drawing Camille had done, that had worried her teachers. Stuff about what happened in the tunnels. She didn't seem worried about it though, and she gave me one of the pictures - one that is supposed to be me and Cia. I put it on the wall. Hiri told me about something called 'guided thought'. She said it might help with the nightmares. I hope she's right.

She wanted me to talk to Cia and Cami too. Cami isn't talking to her much, about what happened, and Cia...

She thinks Cia might be giving up. Or, not giving up, but not really trying either. Back in the River and so things will turn out the way they're supposed to. That's not the way it works.

Journal 10/14/11

No solid results yet from the teams looking into Cia's problem. Silver and I went to have dinner with her, and she seemed... ok. For the moment anyway. That's the way Nerila said it would be. the food was good, as usual, and Silver and Camille even seemed to get along. Camille was well behaved, suspiciously well behaved. I wonder what Cia said to her.

Silver and I even got an impromptu lesson about the history of Debreth and the Breil - the original inhabitants - from Cami witha bit of help from Cia. Silver seemed concerned about cia afterward, and asked me about her eating so little. I've never really thought she ate enough, but with him pointing it out, I realized she is eating a lot less now, which I told him. Not that I really blame her, but she should keep her strength up.

Silver's talking about teaching Cami how to fly - in a simulator, but still, I'm not sure he realizes what he's in for.

I need to get down to Debreth soon, but maybe I'll see Hiri before I go.

Journal 10/10/11

Went to a little EM get-together at the Rens Bazaar. The usual suspects were there: Cia, Ulf, Cami, and now Helmi, of course. KJ Desher was there too, which is a little less usual, but now that he is the second-in-command of the alliance, it wouldn't hurt to know a bit more about him. He is teaching Camille about explosives too, which even in a 'safe,' controlled environment with a lot of rules seem... iffy. He sent me a mail, afterward, about meeting. I'm not sure what about though.

Kenpachi and a pilot named Duch Crystal were there too, briefly.

There was someone else there too, she walked by while we were having kofte and kaffe. Amarrian, I think. She had bodyguards and a whole fucking pack of slaver hounds. One of them kept going for us, tugging at the leash, and she just shot it. It was a tense moment, but then it was a bit tense when that thing was lunging at us too. It upset Cami, but after guns were re-holstered all-around, I was pretty relieved. I didn't realize how much it had bothered me until all the hounds and the woman were gone.

I wasn't really comfortable, with those hounds there. I guess I should talk to Hiri again soon.

Journal 10/06/11

Stopped by Cia's hangar today, and I think she set me up. She was sitting there with Hiri - that's the shrink she keeps on staff - when I walked in, and Cia just about ran out of there and left me with her.

I did promise Cia I would talk to Hiri though. If she would too.

So, we talked. I tried to keep it to other things: Cia, how I should approach my trip for info down to Debreth, more general stuff about how you cope with things. We ended up talking about me though, the things that Cia and Silver think I should talk to her about, and I guess I agreed with them. When I was sitting there, though, I just didn't feel sure.

But, I had promised Cia and Silver, so I told her about not liking small spaces, or slaver hounds. A bit about why I didn't like them, about being captured, and how I got my team killed. Some of the things that happened to me, and she had me focus on balancing a match while I did it. She wants me to write a report, too. She thinks she can help, and I hope she can.

She told me a bit about herself too, and at least she's been in a bad place herself, before. Still, I'm not sure. She's so young, and she doesn't know what it is, being a leader and failing your people. Doing nothing and failing them so completely.

I didn't tell her everything. I'm not sure I can. It's been a bit worse lately, and sometimes I wish there were more blooders in the Republic.

Journal 10/04/11

Cia's birthday party - well, she insists it was for Dry Day, which is a sort of festival from Debreth for the driest part of the year - was great. Well, mostly, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Cia was there, in this red dress. I don't know if she was entirely comfortable with it, but she looked good. I gave her a book with stories and stuff from across Matari culture, I hope she liked it. I think she did, though with how polite she is, it can be a little hard to tell sometimes.

Anyway, party went well, the decorations were impressive. Mitch (and Cami) rigged up the walls with flames, and made a 'river' of flame across the middle with 9 bridges - because they have nine bridges in Debreth, of course. Quite a few pilots from the alliance I'd never met before were there, and it's a shame Silver didn't make it, since he is likely to be flying with some of them.

Camille wanted to try walking on the forcefields that were over the river of fire, naturally. Someone managed to stop her, but Cia ran over, and then it was Cia that was having trouble. Whatever is causing this anemia she has, it isn't getting better. I had a talk with Nerila and then Nerila talked with Cia - with me maybe fouling up her arguments a little, but I can't just sit in the background for this shit. Anyway, Cia is going to take measures to maximize the time we have to find a cure for her.

I'm putting everyone I can get my hands on onto it, of course. Looking for the rest of her family, and going through records on Debreth, and all that. I'm going to have to get ahold of Rask again, because we might even need to test Jorion.

That was the less fun part of it. Still, we have time. Some time.

Journal 9/30/11

I'm still worried about Cia. Saw her at the Bazaar and she is doing better than she was that day at the gym, but still didn't seem well. I don't think she is taking it very seriously either. Maybe when I go in to see Hiri I'll stop by and have a chat with Nerila too.

Cami is learning poetry, something about growing up healthy and with your family this time, in Brellian.

Cia is making sure that Fisk is taken care of, trying to find him things to do while he's off active duty. It's good she's taking responsibility. I don't think she's blaming herself too much.

Really looking forward to the party.