Journal 9/21/12

I talked to Mathilde, and she explained why Cia hasn't said anything. Sort of explained. Since everything has to be approached sideways-like.

Would you boast of winning a race before it even started?

I guess that makes a sort of sense. Tempting Fortune, she said. I should have realized. Mathilde says it would be a good thing, to let Cia know that I know. Sideways-like, of course. Then she gave me some pie.

So I went and talked to Cia. Made sure that she knew I knew.

She asked about traditional things for me. Caldari things. I'll have to ask Silver, he knows about traditions and stuff. Sideways-like, I'll ask.

SYSTEMS FILE: Memo: M.O. Muenel Amailly

TO: Captain Night
FROM: M.O. Amailly
CC: C.M.O. Nari

As per your request for a professional opinion of Dr Crivan Iorthan's treatment of Captain Ciarente Roth, I have reviewed the relevant records and interviewed personnel as necessary.

While Captain Roth's health is not and has not been endangered, Dr Iorthan's preference for a single, highly invasive treatment option has not increased Captain Roth's comfort in recent weeks. A broad-based, aggressive but non-invasive management plan would almost certainly have yielded better outcomes.

Captain Roth is currently my patient and I would not welcome a transfer of her care back to Dr Iorthan.

A more technical medical report has been sent under separate cover to C.M.O. Nari.

Journal 9/20/12

I haven't told Cia about Cami almost choking on that ice cube. I don't want to worry her, and it isn't really the kind of thing that you can do anything about. I've already told Cami to be more careful.

When I realized she couldn't breathe...

Well, it felt like I couldn't either.

I'm just glad I was there, and that I remembered what to do. Basic Medical seems like lifetimes ago.

Personal Correspondence: Outgoing 19.9.12

TO: Col Saernal Teirild, CTO, Utopian Ideal

FROM: Silver Night, Utopian Ideal

AT: 19:42 19.9.112

STATUS: Sent

Col. Teirild,

It has come to my attention that an officer on Captain Roth's staff, CMO Dr Crivan Iorthan, may benefit from some supplementary instruction in proper conduct and procedures. It is a matter of some concern, for me.

I would appreciate it if you took some time to construct a few potential courses of education for Dr Iorthan. At this point I think research, planning, and gathering some limited resources as required would be appropriate. As always, I will leave the details to your discretion.

Captain Silver Night

Journal 9/19/12

Hiri stopped by.

We talked about the list, and feelings, and all of that. Also, I need to remember to have medical in Ebodold check on the clone - make sure that when I jump back I won't have problems from the biochemical stuff.

We talked about how sometimes it's hard to remember to see the feelings you actually have, instead of the ones you feel like you should have.

I think Hiri might still be having a harder time than she is letting on about. Maybe the trip with Saer down to visit her clan's lands will help. I feel a little bad, sticking her with Saer. Having a reason to take some time will be good for Hiri, though. And Saer did have a very difficult childhood and all that stuff, so what Hiri thinks she knows isn't far off. Not too far, anyway.

Anyway, Saer needs to learn about her people. If it might help Hiri in the process, that's a bonus.

I asked Hiri about Dr Iorthan, too. After what Saer told me about how he tried to give Hiri the vitoc to 'calm her down' when she came back from the museum and needed her treatment, and what I saw of his meeting with Cia the other day I'm starting to wonder if someone needs to have a serious conversation with him.

Journal 9/18/12

Mathilde arrived. It'll be good for Cia to have someone else helping out, considering.

I guess Cia had stopped by Debreth, expecting me to be there, when she was looking for me. I'm not sure how much Cia told Mathilde.

She made me an omelette. And bacon.

Personal Correspondence: Outgoing 14.9.12

TO: Dr Valhiri Akell, MO, Fortune's Fist

FROM: Col Saernal Teirild, CTO, Utopian Ideal

AT: 17:19 14.9.112

STATUS: Sent

Hiri,

I would prefer to visit the dances, if it's possible. I should be able to arrange the leave. I am grateful that you would take the time and trouble.

Sincerely,

Col Saernal Teirild
CTO
Utopian Ideal

Journal 9/12/12c

Happy, maybe. I think so. Yeah.

I mean, I fucked up bad. I might fuck up again, or have another episode.

I have people who give a shit, though. That's a hell of a lot more than some other people have.

I feel a little like I don't deserve it. When I was a Gurista, there was another marine, she used to say Hells, if we got what we deserved and deserved what we got, we wouldn't be here, would we?

Meaning the Guristas, of course. Point is, there isn't much point in chasing deserves. You deal with the hand you're dealt, good or bad.

So, happy, cause I'm kinda feeling like the dealer likes me, just now.

Journal 9/12/12b

Ok. Feelings. Right.

Well, like I told Hiri:

Relieved. Relieved that it's going to be over. That the company thinks the people who're responsible for what happened are guilty. That doing things Hiri's way worked out.

I guess relieved that it means that it's not just... Not just an excuse. Not 'It wasn't me, it was them!' to dodge responsibility myself.

It really was them. there really wasn't anything I could do. I mean, that's not- Not because they're guilty, but that part makes the rest of it feel more true.

Hopeful. I told Hiri I was hopeful too. I guess I am. It might help. I've felt stuck. Even with the things she has me do - the exercises and thinking of things the right way and everything, I've felt stuck. Like I couldn't move on from what happened. It makes it so I can't rely on myself. Like when I use, that way, I guess. I should have put that on the list. Something happens and I'm back there. Or I have a nightmare. It puts me out of my own control.

So, hopeful. I hope I can start to get it behind me. Even though, like Hiri says, there aren't any quick fixes.

What else, though? I feel...

I don't know.

I feel...

Journal 9/12/12

Saer stopped by. She'd been to the Illuin Museum with Hiri. Learning about her culture. Minmatar culture, I mean.

I guess it went well, until Hiri had a problem. A Vitoxin problem.

Saer was, well, Saer. You know how she is. She was talking about the museum visit, then just went right into that.

I guess Hiri's watch wasn't working or something, so she didn't realize it was time for her dose. Saer helped her get back here, and made sure noone gave her Vitoc on the way. She, Saer I mean, seemed to have formed a sort of negative opinion about Dr Iorthan after he wanted to give Hiri the vitoc to 'calm her down'. Him being Mary, I'm surprised that kind of comment doesn't get him kneecapped in some quiet corner of the hangar.

Can't say I disagree with her, and it kinda backs up what I was feeling after seeing how he was acting with Cia. Still, Cia seems happier with Dr Nari, and that's just fine with me. I know he's good.

Journal 9/11/12

Hiri wants me to sit with my feelings and pay attention to them.

Whatever the fuck that means. She thinks it'll help, so whatever. I'll try it.

Right now, I feel.... hungry.

Note: List for Hiri

Reasons to use:

• It helps with the nightmares for a while
• Seems like I feel like I should feel. How you're supposed to feel.

Reasons not to use:

• It's worse when it stops working
• Withdrawl
• Have to keep taking more
• Makes me incompetent and unfit for duty
• Makes me unreliable
• I hurt people who matter
• It makes me not me, or a me I don't like
• I let Cia and Cami down
• I do things I wouldn't do sober

Journal 9/10/12

I did a search for Cia's symptoms. The same thing keeps coming up.

I guess she'll talk to me about it when she's ready. Talk to me about it more, and not just this 'what do you think of kids' stuff.

Journal 9/8/12b

Talked with Hiri. She wants me to think about my feelings. Sounds like standard Shrink stuff, but she's the expert.

She wants me to work on the list we talked about, too.

Cia was arguing with Dr Iorthan when I finished and went to get her from medical. She still won't tell me what it is, but she insists it isn't serious. Dr Iorthan seems to think she should be doing something and she doesn't want to do it. On the other hand, I think he'd be even more agitated if it was something actually life threatening, and Dr Nari didn't seem that concerned.

I'm going to give him a com and confirm that it isn't something I should be overly worried about, though.

Journal 9/8/12

Silver says that the people responsible for what happened probably won't make it to trial. Embarrassing to the corporation.

That means there's enough, though. Enough there that the people who make those sorts of decisions, at the corporation, think they are guilty. Trial or not.

I think Hiri was right. It's better - justice instead of revenge.

I thought it was just... Well, Hiri seems to be against direct measures of nearly any sort. Even that business with that ex of hers. Like she's some kind of pacifist or something. Except, I don't think it's that, exactly. Maybe more that she believes that the institutions that are supposed to run things will get it right.

I don't have that kind of faith, not for a long time now.

But when they do work, like it looks like they are going to work this time, it is better. At least, it seems better. It's like....

It isn't just me. They know too. They know what those officers did, and their judgement is the same as what mine would have been. The corporation. And the corporation is bigger, outside it. They aren't doing it for me. They're doing it because it's what should be done.

Journal 9/6/12

It's good. Things are good.

It's pleasant, peaceful. I feel like I'm going a little stir crazy though.

Still waiting for whatever it is that the doctors said wasn't serious that is wrong with Cia to go away, too. At least she's still eating - more than usual, even. Which is good. She could stand to put on a little weight.

Me, I'm eating less. This body, I guess.

Least of the ways it makes me feel not like myself. I guess that for a little while not being myself is probably for the best, but I look forward to getting back to normal.

Journal 9/4/12

Had a talk with Helmi.

Journal 9/3/12

Silver's here. Helping Cia. I'm glad she got help, this time; she seems tired.

Journal 9/2/12

It's good, being back in Lustrevik. It feels very home-like, I guess. It was good to see Cami too. Even with her questions.

Talked to Hiri, too. About starting to get things handled properly. About getting help, too, and just. Family stuff, I guess.

Cia saw Sanik, about the issues she's been having from the neocom. I guess it's nothing serious.

Journal 9/1/12

I jumpcloned. It feels weird, the new body. Weak.

Cia was waiting, and we had tea. Something with ginger in it, Vuorrassi I think, cause my stomach was a little upset. From the jump. Some of those KK types could use a lesson in manners. He probably would have been even more rude if he'd known I was Ishukone.

I feel like myself, I feel better, even though this body makes me feel naked, slow, and a little out of focus. It's just temporary, in any case.

I'm not even eating as much.