Journal 5/19/11

Ran the... the operation I guess it is today. To help Cia. Thank the spirits that the doctor left me a message that it was his belief that me being in trouble would be sufficient to get Cia to jump. I... I know I could have done it, but I don't know if I would have ever been able to look at myself in the mirror again, if I had had to use Camille.

I visited Ciarente and brought a package - which I said I needed delivered to a certain person in Rens. I claimed I was too busy. She's so spirits-damned trusting! That might be the worst thing. Anyway, she agreed to take it, and off she went. I told her I would stay around to keep an eye on Camille for her.

Once she was confirmed to have arrived by my people in Rens I commed her. Audio only. I told her the most horrible things. I said I had been taken. By blooders. I knew she would know what that would be, for me.

I stood there outside the offices for the cloning company and I nearly threw up, telling her how they had me on a ship. Imagining what I would say if it was the truth, and saying to her 'Blow up the ship if you have to.' and 'Please just hurry.' Exploiting the things in her I want to save, to get her in a body that tortures her. Spirits but there are days I don't like myself very much.

So, she jumped. I grabbed her as she left the cloning station, still confused and a little disoriented. Told her there was no time. Hustled her along to the meet with Dr Harefnem. She - ancestors - she seemed more concerned that I was really alright, even once I explained the dirty trick that I had played on her. That it was all to get her in this body and to see the doctor.

At least at first, then she was terrified of her - her visitor. The doctor explained it was a result of her implants, the things she saw, and she-

I had to restrain her, and finally resorted to taping her hands behind her back, so she wouldn't hurt herself. So she would just listen to the doctor. Cold take me, one of the worst damn days of my life. In the end he got through though. He is good, I guess. He better be.

She is going to see him now, very often. And she is going to stay in this clone, even with - well, even with what it does to her. It helps her too, and the doctor says they should be able to reintegrate it. I hope so. She does seem more her old self. Except all that fear.

Anyway, we went back to the ship, and for a wonder Camille had even behaved herself while we were gone. I still feel like shit though. Cia told me that the worst part was thinking that I - that I had been taken. Not the things her implants are doing to her, not me nearly breaking her wrists keeping her from hurting herself, not even the betrayal. The worst part, to her, was what she thought had happened to me, when I lied to her.

Anyway, I'm going to stay here on the Fortune's Smile for a little while. I've already informed Sarakai that she will be in charge for a bit again, and made the other arrangements.